Murphy’s Law and Other Nonsense

why-god-whyYou might have noticed a bit of a break in the writing. This is kind of the first moment I’ve had to sit down and actually write something. My better half has been on a work trip for the past 2 weeks. He’ll be back in another week for a grand total of 3 weeks away. Of course all the crap hits the fan the moment he leaves. Isn’t that Murphy’s law or something?

It was the last week of school, so I’ve been shuttling kids to and from school. I’ve had my own things going on and really long days at work that usually don’t happen. Then to top it off so far, my son got some stomach flu with high fever. Try and picture it, 9 year old boy whining at the top of his lungs because he feels so bad, then having stuff coming out of both ends simultaneously. The rug still needs washing. The poor thing got a major dose of sick all over it. Then a couple of days later, the daughter gets sick and now me. These last two weeks have not been the high point of my existence BUT I’m surviving! I’ve not had any panic attacks (shocking actually) and I’ve not beheaded anyone (also another shocker).

On a positive note I had my Reiki attunement last Tuesday. That was one of “my own things”. It was a really moving experience really. I didn’t expect to feel anything. As I sat in the chair with my eyes closed, I had waves of hot and cold move up my back, then heat up my neck. I saw colours and images in my minds eye. Towards the end, I started to shake and then cry. The tears just sort of came out of nowhere. After the attunement, I was really out of it. I didn’t feel like talking. I was tired and kind of empty feeling. It was odd. I tried to watch “Suicide Squad” but I just couldn’t finish watching it. One because it was a terrible movie and two because I just couldn’t concentrate. I went to bed and slept like the dead. From the moment the attunement took place, my hands and feet have been hot and kind of buzzing. Rather than doing all yoga, I’ve been doing Reiki healing sessions on myself each night. I’ve slept deeply and dreamed. My body has been a bit off kilter but they say that after an attunement, your body tries to clear itself of toxins in the body (emotional and physical). I’ve had a headache since the attunement. I think i’m not drinking enough water. These side effects may go on for 21 days after the attunement. I’ve done some healing on my daughter. After the first healing she got a fever and felt terrible. I don’t know if this is the flu she caught from her brother or the reiki energy helping her body fight. For those that don’t know, my daughter has been suffering from a stomach illness for the past 6 months and the doctors are stumped as to what it is. She was one of the reasons I decided to try Reiki.

The neighbours dog let me pick it up the other day and stayed in my lap for a really long time. The neighbour was surprised as the dog doesn’t usually want to be in anyones lap and if the dog is in the lap, it’s never for very long. I blame reiki. They say animals love Reiki energy. Even as I’m typing this, my hands are hot and glowing. It’s an interesting sensation.

As for what I’ve been doing for the past almost 2 weeks, a mixture of Yoga Nidra, meditation and Reiki self healing. It’s been an interesting 2 weeks. If I survive this 3rd week, I’ll celebrate. Not sure how I’ll celebrate but I’ll figure it out. This week should also have long long work days, up to 9pm in some cases. Thank goodness for grandparents. I’m so grateful that they live so close and are happy to take the kids for a few days. For now, I’m just trying to get through things one day at a time and realising that perhaps, I’m stronger than I thought.


Weirdness Upon Weirdness

Ok…so I started the Reiki course today. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t what I expected. We spent 3 hours talking. We talked about all manner of things, not just Reiki.  It was completely and utterly freeing. I feel like I let go of so many things. I got a confirmation of a lot of things…that I’m not the only one experiencing stuff. I actually teared up in the end. Tomorrow is the activation. I can hardly wait. I’m excited to see what comes out of it. If nothing else, the whole experience is sure to be cathartic. If I can learn to let some stuff go, it’s already a win win situation. The other people in the group are just lovely. We all ended up there for different reasons but wow. The teacher said that we give and pull a lot of energy. I am inclined to believe her. It was a very amazing experience.

One thing that really stayed with me was her description of energy. She talked about giving energy in Reiki. In Qigong, the person builds up lots of energy and then uses it to heal others for instance but in doing so, they release the energy, giving it all away. In Reiki, the energy is exchanged rather than just given. It was her metaphor that caught my attention. “Using energy is like breathing. You cannot just breathe out. You must also breathe in.” I really took that to heart. When we give too much in life…we are also just breathing out. At some point, we have to take a breath. Interesting stuff right?

The teacher said we’d probably have some crazy dreams tonight and that we should drink lots of water. I’ll keep you posted.

The weeks yoga:

  • Sunday: Drop into Stillness
  • Monday: Vinyasa Foundations
  • Tuesday: Yoga Nidra
  • Wednesday: Yoga Nidra
  • Thursday: Yoga Nidra
  • Friday: Yoga Nidra
  • Saturday: Yoga Nidra

I feel like my brain is on temporary holiday. I have no tidbits of wisdom or deep thoughts today. I think I used them all during the Reiki class. I cannot wait to tell you how the rest of it goes! If I get another tool to help me balance out my body and deal with stress, it will be worth every penny.

The Drugs Work! Hurray!

Lemme bring you up to speed just in case you didn’t read last weeks blog. I’d made up my mind to make a doctors appointment to see about medication to help with my anxiety. Here is it a week later and YES, I had a wonderful doctor who actually listened to me! Can you frickin’ believe it?! I had 20 minutes to state my case and the lovely doctor lady said, “Well…why don’t we try this pill….and this other pill too just for good measure. You try these out and see how they work for you.” Oh, my flipping G*d. I was so happy when I walked out of there with a prescription for, not one, but TWO different pills.


I have a safety net! Yeah!

I’m not usually one for medication and I try my darnedest to stay off medication but I here’s the thing that makes me happy about the pills I got. I don’t need to take them every day. I only take them if I need them. One set of pills are beta-blockers. They should help calm me down if I feel like a panic attack is coming. I only need half a pill when I feel one coming on. I don’t need to take it every day, just when I’m feeling overwhelmed. The second pill is heavier stuff. I should take a half-pill only if I actually have a panic attack. Since my last two panic attacks were 4 months apart, I think my pills will last me a good long time.

Imagine, one little half of a pill will make it so I don’t have to lie in bed feeling like I’m dying until the panic attack goes through it’s paces. Can you imagine??? So now I have pills for when I feel anxious or am having a panic attack. Just having them in my purse helps relieve my stress immensely. I now have a safety net and I don’t have to live in fear of what my body is going to do from one day to the next. I’ve been happier this week than I’ve been in ages. I’ve not worried so much about how my body is going to react because I now have a safety net. I guess after 9 years of managing my stress, panic attacks and all that it entails, I’m entitled to a little peace of mind don’t ya think?


Late night bass practice. Yes I was tired.

I’m still doing yoga/meditation every day and I’m practicing my bass as well. It’s incredibly meditative to play music (or something like music, I’m not that good yet). I even signed up for Reiki lessons! Yes, I did. All you nay sayers can just keep your opinions to yourself. I think it’ll be fun to try something new. Besides, if I can find another way to balance my body, why wouldn’t I want to learn it?

I hope you all won’t be disappointed in me for getting medication….wait, what the hell am I saying? Sorry not sorry. *grin* .

So here’s the line up this week in

  • Sunday: Create Space in the Body… (great stretching! It actually made me sore!)
  • Monday: Drop Into Stillness (great little meditation. I recommend it highly. I also did Yoga Nidra afterwards.
  • Tuesday: Yin (it was an hour but it was worth it) Nice and slow long stretches to release tension
  • Wednesday: Drop into Stillness (I really dig these 15 minute meditations. They can be done lying down as well as sitting).
  • Thursday: Yoga Nidra (I did it on my own without Yogaia. My iPad was outta zip, boo!)
  • Friday: Yoga Nidra
  • Saturday: Yoga Nidra

Life is good peeps. Honestly so happy. I finally feel like things are on the up and up. I want to thank my good friend Maarit (you know who you are) who has helped me over the years. She was the one that finally made me see that I don’t have to live in fear and that it’s ok to get help. Maarit my love, I’m clinking imaginary champagne in a toast to you. Until next week, keep on keeping on.

P.S. – Sorry about the late post. It’s a 3-day weekend and I’d totally forgotten about it on Sunday. Yup…totally busted.

Black Friday

life-me-orlando-espinosaI had a panic attack on Friday. It came out of nowhere. I was just watching TV enjoying myself when BOOM! What the hell stress? Where’s your decency? My last panic attack was in December. I felt like things were going so well and then I get hit with a pretty bad panic attack. I laid in bed for at least 5 hours feeling like I was going to die. I tried to dial it back by taking rose root and some of the oatmeal drops that are supposed to help with nerves and then I did some yoga but it didn’t keep the panic attack from rolling over me. Maybe it made it less severe but still….

If I’m completely honest, I’m really disappointed and a bit sad about it. I bit the bullet today and called for a doctors appointment. I’m sure there’s some medication that I can take for when a panic attack hits. There must be something I can take if I have an attack so I don’t have to feel like I’m going to die. I can’t take care of myself in that state let alone my children. I look at my stress situation like a glass of water. Each day stress fills up my glass to a certain degree and each session of meditation or yoga, etc eearth-water2mpties the glass to a certain degree. Everything is fine as long as whatever I’m doing empties the glass faster than it fills but this last month, with my daughters long illness, the pressure to get the building done and the awful chaos which is work at the moment seem to fill my glass faster than I can empty it. I keep wondering when my life is going to calm down into some kind of quiet normalcy. I need normalcy to back off my stress levels. I know there’s this analogy going around that “put down that glass” but what if you can’t? What if you HAVE to deal with your child’s illness? What if you HAVE to deal with your kid having problems in school. You have to deal with the day to day things. Children need to eat and need clean clothes. There are some things you can put down and some things you can’t. I’ve really cut down on the things I do. I’ve cut out all extra curricular actives with the school etc. I don’t volunteer for anything anymore. The only extra thing I do is bass lessons and that’s purely for me and something I really enjoy and empties my glass so to speak. I don’t wash the sheets every week or do laundry every time the laundry basket is exploding. I don’t cook every day either. So you see, I’ve let go of a lot.

My life, I guess everyones life, goes in a cycle. It’s up and down all the time. When I first started experiencing stress symptoms, things were about as bad as they could get. My husband had lost his job. I had just had our 2nd child so the 1st child wouldn’t let me sleep during the day and the 2nd wouldn’t let me sleep at night. The income we had was tiny. Then I lost my job while on maternity leave. We were both unemployed and about to lose the house. We were also building our house at the time so talk about stress. High stress was my constant companion for a while. My husband was unemployed for 2 years and I went from job to job. My job security was terrible then. I never knew how long I’d have the job and if we’d be able to pay the bills. The good news is that both my husband and I got jobs and we didn’t lose the house but those years of stress had done their damage. I still had a temporary job and didn’t know where my next job would come from and then I did a dumb thing and studied for my Master’s Degree.

That did nothing good for my stress levels. At the end of my studies, my job also ended. Talk about stressful. I managed to get a new job through the graces of some really wonderful people that recommended me. The new job was not without it’s stressors. The first year was pretty awful as my boss didn’t really trust me and made my work life rather uncomfortable. Add on top of that building the house and taking care of little kids and well, not much reprieve from the stress monster. I finally have a steady job and it really was a job I liked until things were restructured and people were moved into positions they didn’t want. Now theres constant negativity at my workplace. Needless to say, it’s stressful at home and stressful at work. Where’s my reprieve? There are brief moments where things are great and normal, but I seem to have a lot a shit hitting my life fan if you know what I mean?

We’ll see what the doctor says tomorrow. I’m so tired of feeling like a hostage to stress. I deal with things pretty well but everyone has their limits and I’m at the point where I feel I need a little help. I would at least like something that I can lean on if I have an attack. At least then, I’d have a little security.

Classes for the week

  • Sunday: Pause. Breathe. Meditate
  • Monday: Yoga Nidra
  • Tuesday: Yoga Nidra
  • Wednesday: Yoga Nidra
  • Thursday: Yoga Nidra
  • Friday: Yoga for Stress & Anxiety
  • Saturday: Relax, Release & Reset and Drop Into Stillness

I really feel that Nidra isn’t enough anymore. I need classes that make my body release the stresses of the day as well as my mind. Nidra was great for relaxing the mind but I don’t think it does enough to release the tension that builds up on my body. So now it’s time to explore some new sessions.

I also signed up for Reiki Healing lessons. Have I lost my mind? Maybe. I want to check out every avenue. Who knows, maybe I can learn to heal my imbalances and then maybe help other people? I want to help other people like me. Normal people that have had just way too much adventure (not the good kind) thrown at them. I know life is going to get easier, I just need to wade my way through this part until I get there. You know what they say….”When you’re going through hell, just keep going.”

The Meds Don’t Work

I’ve got several friends that are taking medication for anxiety. I’ve always been just a little bit envious that my friends got medication but I didn’t get any. The doctor told me no and so did the psychiatrist. Their reasoning is that my attitude is too positive. I always thought that medication was the fix all for anxiety. Pop a pill and the attack slinks off into a corner and weeps a little, having had its hiney whipped by captain Xanax.

864362d0b90c14b9901b13a0d8ae05c4One of my friends (blessed with medication) told me that they had a major attack even though they had medication. This shook my belief system to the core. All this time I’ve been thinking that medication is the be all end all help to make the anxiety boogie man go away. Imagine my shock when I found out that you can still have attacks while on the meds. All of the sudden I’m not so ready to take a pill to tame anxiety. What’s a girl to do? Is there no escaping the big A? It’s a bit like feeling secure in knowing the emergency exit is near by only to find that it’s been bricked up.

I guess there’s only one thing to do. Keep going on my current path and not rely on medication as an alternative path. Nothing is for sure. You ever notice that medication and meditation are nearly identical words? Change out the ‘c’ for a ‘t’ and there you go. These weeks have been very busy, and frankly, I’m amazed that I’ve been pretty ok. I’ve had some days where breathing has been hard (can’t catch my breath) and my heart was beating in my ears but it was manageable. Lately, whenever i’ve been feeling like life was spinning out of control, I just think to myself, “None of this is real or truly important”. If you read the previous post about the holographic universe, you’ll know why.  In fact, I’ll share the video with you. It’s a five part series but it’s so worth it. You’re welcome.

This week (and the past several weeks) I’ve been doing a lot of building. I’m beginning to think my fingernails will never recover. The goal is to get the building done by the end of April so we’re in full insanity mode. Me and my husband are crazy non-stop building. My job has been tiling lately. Tiling adhesive stuff eats your fingers and your nails. I think when we’re all done, I’ll go have a manicure and pedicure to celebrate. Add a bottle of Champagne to that list. You can bet your ass I’ll be celebrating when I paint that last wall.

This week has been another week of Yoga Nidra. Building is all the exercise I need at the moment. My ass muscles hurt and I can feel every single joint in my body when I wake up in the morning. I think it’s safe to say I’m getting plenty of exercise. I would love to do some yin yoga though. That’s so lovely. I just need to find more time in my day. Generally I come home from work, cook food, go build, come down and put kids to bed maybe, build more and come down when I’m too exhausted to continue and then fall into bed. One benefit of doing Yoga Nidra is that you can do it in the bed under warm blankets. It really makes it easy to fall asleep. Sometimes I even fall alseep during the session. It keeps my head from thinking about all the crap I need to get done and all the crap I didn’t get done.

I just need to keep breathing. I know I’ll get through this phase of my life. In Finland, they have a really nice phrase for the years with young children. They’re called “ruhkavuodet”. That basically translates as busy years. How are people dealing with all the stuff going on? I’m just hanging on for dear life. I guess that’s why we have captain Xanax.