The Drugs Work! Hurray!

Lemme bring you up to speed just in case you didn’t read last weeks blog. I’d made up my mind to make a doctors appointment to see about medication to help with my anxiety. Here is it a week later and YES, I had a wonderful doctor who actually listened to me! Can you frickin’ believe it?! I had 20 minutes to state my case and the lovely doctor lady said, “Well…why don’t we try this pill….and this other pill too just for good measure. You try these out and see how they work for you.” Oh, my flipping G*d. I was so happy when I walked out of there with a prescription for, not one, but TWO different pills.


I have a safety net! Yeah!

I’m not usually one for medication and I try my darnedest to stay off medication but I here’s the thing that makes me happy about the pills I got. I don’t need to take them every day. I only take them if I need them. One set of pills are beta-blockers. They should help calm me down if I feel like a panic attack is coming. I only need half a pill when I feel one coming on. I don’t need to take it every day, just when I’m feeling overwhelmed. The second pill is heavier stuff. I should take a half-pill only if I actually have a panic attack. Since my last two panic attacks were 4 months apart, I think my pills will last me a good long time.

Imagine, one little half of a pill will make it so I don’t have to lie in bed feeling like I’m dying until the panic attack goes through it’s paces. Can you imagine??? So now I have pills for when I feel anxious or am having a panic attack. Just having them in my purse helps relieve my stress immensely. I now have a safety net and I don’t have to live in fear of what my body is going to do from one day to the next. I’ve been happier this week than I’ve been in ages. I’ve not worried so much about how my body is going to react because I now have a safety net. I guess after 9 years of managing my stress, panic attacks and all that it entails, I’m entitled to a little peace of mind don’t ya think?


Late night bass practice. Yes I was tired.

I’m still doing yoga/meditation every day and I’m practicing my bass as well. It’s incredibly meditative to play music (or something like music, I’m not that good yet). I even signed up for Reiki lessons! Yes, I did. All you nay sayers can just keep your opinions to yourself. I think it’ll be fun to try something new. Besides, if I can find another way to balance my body, why wouldn’t I want to learn it?

I hope you all won’t be disappointed in me for getting medication….wait, what the hell am I saying? Sorry not sorry. *grin* .

So here’s the line up this week in

  • Sunday: Create Space in the Body… (great stretching! It actually made me sore!)
  • Monday: Drop Into Stillness (great little meditation. I recommend it highly. I also did Yoga Nidra afterwards.
  • Tuesday: Yin (it was an hour but it was worth it) Nice and slow long stretches to release tension
  • Wednesday: Drop into Stillness (I really dig these 15 minute meditations. They can be done lying down as well as sitting).
  • Thursday: Yoga Nidra (I did it on my own without Yogaia. My iPad was outta zip, boo!)
  • Friday: Yoga Nidra
  • Saturday: Yoga Nidra

Life is good peeps. Honestly so happy. I finally feel like things are on the up and up. I want to thank my good friend Maarit (you know who you are) who has helped me over the years. She was the one that finally made me see that I don’t have to live in fear and that it’s ok to get help. Maarit my love, I’m clinking imaginary champagne in a toast to you. Until next week, keep on keeping on.

P.S. – Sorry about the late post. It’s a 3-day weekend and I’d totally forgotten about it on Sunday. Yup…totally busted.


Zero F*cks Given

I’ve been doing a lot of investigation this week. I have no idea how I’ve managed. I didn’t get to bed last night until after 2am due to construction work (that’s a whole other can of worms right there and subject enough for a 2nd blog) and decided that this weeks Sunday blog post could wait until Monday. Actually, by my clock its 7 minutes after midnight so I’ve fudged by two days BUT what an interesting week!

It’s been an introspective week for me. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly religious in the traditional sense but I do believe that there are greater powers at work. Let’s just leave it at that shall we? I like to investigate things and ask questions. It gives me things to think about and ponder in this otherwise mundane life of mine. Some people have television (I would have TV but I’m last in line for watching TV…again…another story), I have YouTube and questions about the universe, such that it is. I mean seriously…acupuncture, eastern medicine, universal energy, yoga, meditation, ghosts, manifestation, black holes! It’s all so amazingly fascinating!

subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-fuck-540x709Now I’m sure most people have heard of “The Secret”. It’s this idea that if you think positive thoughts, you raise your vibration and manifest the stuff, crap, love, etc that you want in life. I would love this idea to work but I have to say that my generally positive outlook on life has not brought me mass wealth or a half naked cabana boy anywhere into my general vicinity. I see people spend money on seminars on this subject making other folks rich but the same people go back time and time again asking the same questions so that kinda makes me think that this shit is whack. You can imagine my surprise when I came across the book called, “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”. I was intrigued. Here was a book that didn’t appear to give a rats ass about positive thinking or all that feel good stuff that most people are peddling these days. Unfortunately, the book was really pretty empty (lots written without saying a whole lot) but there were a few things I took away from the book.

  1. The harder you try, the worse you do, so stop trying.
  2. You only have so many f*cks to give so choose your f*cks carefully.
  3. Live a happy life by giving f*cks about things that matter to you.

Yup…that about sums up what I got out of the entire book. Point number 1: For example…you ever try bowling and you really want to try hard to get a strike but the harder you try, the worse your throws get? When you stop trying and just kind of go with the flow, things work out better so stop trying to hard. Surrender to the flow!

4db77_orig-look_at_all_the_fucks_i_givePoint number 2: This can be illustrated with a story. I had this happen to me this week at the hardware store. I was standing in line waiting for service at one of the info desks to ask about a faucet and had been patiently waiting there for 15 minutes when some douche bag lady comes up and gets served before me. The info desk guy doesn’t even notice that I was there first and serves her. I give her the longest, dirtiest look…staring her down as she walked past me (she knew what she did…). I wait a while longer and finally one of the info desk guys comes back to the desk, starts clacking on his computer and totally ignores me. After standing there a while longer, blood pressure rising, I clear my throat in a really obvious way. The guy FINALLY gives me eye contact (heaven forbid). I tell him I want some info about a particular faucet. He then proceeds to tell me that he doesn’t know about faucets and that I should walk  to the other info desk an isle away to get help with that particular subject. I wanted to throat punch both the lady and the guy behind the counter but I take a deep breath and walk over to the other counter. Imagine my shock when I see that there’s NO ONE THERE at the other service desk. There’s no sign, no bell, no service phone so I’m pacing back and forth between the “no help” desk I was at before and the currently empty desk that supposedly has sacred info about the faucet in question. After another wait… staff finally shows up and I get the help I needed. By my watch it took me about 40 minutes to get my question answered. You know what my question was? “Is this faucet for a bathtub?”…..reply…”Nope”. When I mentioned my dissatisfaction with the wait time to get my simple question answered, she replied, “We were eating lunch”.  Total. Service. Failure. K-Rauta Palokka customer service failed me that day.

This brings me back to Point number 2. Did I really need to give two f*cks about the poor service that day? Probably not. I should be choosier about what I get riled about. I should be choosier about the f*cks I give because, according to the book….

“…we only have so many f*cks to give….”

Point three: you can live a full and satisfying life by giving a f*ck about the things you love. If you want to chase yeti’s and backpack through the himalayas with nothing but your clothes on your back, that’s whats going to make you happy. In short, when it comes to life you just gotta do you baby!

This brought me to my next great mind f*ck* From there, I got into a five part series on YouTube called, “The Holographic Universe”. If you really want to screw up your views on reality and life, check it out. It will blow your friggin’ mind. There’s a lot to it but to tie things together with the aforementioned book, we don’t control anything. In this thing we call life, we’re not driving the bus. So we might as well check out the scenery and lick the windows. Also, apparently, nothing is real. We’re all holograms in some amazing construct. As far fetched and nutty as that sounds, something in that idea makes it easier to let go of things. Makes it easier to deal with things and difficult people. I found myself, several times today actually, thinking, “damn that person is irritating…but they’re not real so it doesn’t matter…we’re all friggin’ holograms anyway.” Let’s just say it’s adjusted my point of view.

This week’s yogaia sessions were all yoga Nidra again. I feel like I need to justify my session choices. I’ve been helping to build our house so my day looks something like this:

  • wake up and drag my tired ass outta bed
  • Drive hubby to work and kids to school
  • Get to work and work like a crazy person
  • Get out of work to pick up child from school
  • Pick up hubby from work
  • Get home and either I make dinner or go to the store to buy food so I can make dinner
  • I change clothes and go tile bathrooms
  • I might need to come down to tuck kids into bed
  • finish tiling for the evening
  • Do Yoga nidra
  • Pass out and start all over

This doesn’t include days where I run kids to karate, or take kids to the doctor or have Bass lessons, trips to the hardware store for crappy service or any of the household chores I might do. I have to say I pick my battles when it comes to house work though. My house looks destroyed just so you know…and I don’t care. If you come over to my house and complain about the mess…I will gladly hand you a broom. I’m not saying my hubby doesn’t help, he’s really wonderful and helps pick up the kids from karate and laundry and cleans up on occasion. He’s also the driving force to getting the kids moving in the morning. Me and mornings don’t work well together so it’s a beautiful partnership we have. What I am saying is that my days have been super full and, at times, very physical so the last thing I’ve wanted to, during the past few weeks, after having a long day is doing  some intensive vinyasa. Some weekends I’ve spent 12+ hours tiling so my body is often pretty sore.

So now that you’ve got some background on that, I hope that helps to explain my session choices. Do I hope to do some other sessions? Yes, absolutely, but for now, I’m being brutally honest when I say it’s the only thing my mind and body can handle right now. I’m not driving the bus in this life, I’m not in charge and I’m along for the ride in this movie that is my life so I might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. I’ll be the one in the back licking the window.

P.S. I was supposed to think of positive things last week and be amazed by results. This was halted by two things: 1. I found out that I should stop trying because the book said so and 2…I was busy just trying to hold onto my own ass. Damn, it’s 1:30 AM. Yass….life is fun.