I had a panic attack on Friday. It came out of nowhere. I was just watching TV enjoying myself when BOOM! What the hell stress? Where’s your decency? My last panic attack was in December. I felt like things were going so well and then I get hit with a pretty bad panic attack. I laid in bed for at least 5 hours feeling like I was going to die. I tried to dial it back by taking rose root and some of the oatmeal drops that are supposed to help with nerves and then I did some yoga but it didn’t keep the panic attack from rolling over me. Maybe it made it less severe but still….
If I’m completely honest, I’m really disappointed and a bit sad about it. I bit the bullet today and called for a doctors appointment. I’m sure there’s some medication that I can take for when a panic attack hits. There must be something I can take if I have an attack so I don’t have to feel like I’m going to die. I can’t take care of myself in that state let alone my children. I look at my stress situation like a glass of water. Each day stress fills up my glass to a certain degree and each session of meditation or yoga, etc empties the glass to a certain degree. Everything is fine as long as whatever I’m doing empties the glass faster than it fills but this last month, with my daughters long illness, the pressure to get the building done and the awful chaos which is work at the moment seem to fill my glass faster than I can empty it. I keep wondering when my life is going to calm down into some kind of quiet normalcy. I need normalcy to back off my stress levels. I know there’s this analogy going around that “put down that glass” but what if you can’t? What if you HAVE to deal with your child’s illness? What if you HAVE to deal with your kid having problems in school. You have to deal with the day to day things. Children need to eat and need clean clothes. There are some things you can put down and some things you can’t. I’ve really cut down on the things I do. I’ve cut out all extra curricular actives with the school etc. I don’t volunteer for anything anymore. The only extra thing I do is bass lessons and that’s purely for me and something I really enjoy and empties my glass so to speak. I don’t wash the sheets every week or do laundry every time the laundry basket is exploding. I don’t cook every day either. So you see, I’ve let go of a lot.
My life, I guess everyones life, goes in a cycle. It’s up and down all the time. When I first started experiencing stress symptoms, things were about as bad as they could get. My husband had lost his job. I had just had our 2nd child so the 1st child wouldn’t let me sleep during the day and the 2nd wouldn’t let me sleep at night. The income we had was tiny. Then I lost my job while on maternity leave. We were both unemployed and about to lose the house. We were also building our house at the time so talk about stress. High stress was my constant companion for a while. My husband was unemployed for 2 years and I went from job to job. My job security was terrible then. I never knew how long I’d have the job and if we’d be able to pay the bills. The good news is that both my husband and I got jobs and we didn’t lose the house but those years of stress had done their damage. I still had a temporary job and didn’t know where my next job would come from and then I did a dumb thing and studied for my Master’s Degree.
That did nothing good for my stress levels. At the end of my studies, my job also ended. Talk about stressful. I managed to get a new job through the graces of some really wonderful people that recommended me. The new job was not without it’s stressors. The first year was pretty awful as my boss didn’t really trust me and made my work life rather uncomfortable. Add on top of that building the house and taking care of little kids and well, not much reprieve from the stress monster. I finally have a steady job and it really was a job I liked until things were restructured and people were moved into positions they didn’t want. Now theres constant negativity at my workplace. Needless to say, it’s stressful at home and stressful at work. Where’s my reprieve? There are brief moments where things are great and normal, but I seem to have a lot a shit hitting my life fan if you know what I mean?
We’ll see what the doctor says tomorrow. I’m so tired of feeling like a hostage to stress. I deal with things pretty well but everyone has their limits and I’m at the point where I feel I need a little help. I would at least like something that I can lean on if I have an attack. At least then, I’d have a little security.
Classes for the week
- Sunday: Pause. Breathe. Meditate
- Monday: Yoga Nidra
- Tuesday: Yoga Nidra
- Wednesday: Yoga Nidra
- Thursday: Yoga Nidra
- Friday: Yoga for Stress & Anxiety
- Saturday: Relax, Release & Reset and Drop Into Stillness
I really feel that Nidra isn’t enough anymore. I need classes that make my body release the stresses of the day as well as my mind. Nidra was great for relaxing the mind but I don’t think it does enough to release the tension that builds up on my body. So now it’s time to explore some new sessions.
I also signed up for Reiki Healing lessons. Have I lost my mind? Maybe. I want to check out every avenue. Who knows, maybe I can learn to heal my imbalances and then maybe help other people? I want to help other people like me. Normal people that have had just way too much adventure (not the good kind) thrown at them. I know life is going to get easier, I just need to wade my way through this part until I get there. You know what they say….”When you’re going through hell, just keep going.”