Miss me? Been a while ain’t it?

Its been a long long long long long long ass while since I wrote a post. No point in apologising really. Life happens but let’s be honest to each other because, you know, our relationship is deep like that….shit happens.

At this point I’d love to tell you all the fabulous reasons for skipping writing on Sundays. I didn’t win the lottery or get swept off on some long romantic get away (I wish). Life happened, I got busy and stressed out and I fell out of the rhythm. Isn’t that something? I’ve not been doing yoga but I did have a nice summer holiday and have been practicing Reiki healing on myself. I suppose that in itself is kind of like mediation and yoga. They’re all interrelated and I’m wondering if some of the things we see are clever marketing from hundreds of years ago. This is how I envision it……enter scenario vision…

Some person (Let’s call this person X) long ago in a far away country reaches down to pick up something off the ground and it stretches…and this person decides that stretching….and chilling is pretty cool and that it feels nice. Some of this persons buddies start to notice that this shit is pretty fly and they join in.  Now one of the buddies wanted to borrow X’s slow cooker but X said no so this buddy (let’s call this person B) gets pissed at X. B goes off and starts their own thing to spite X but decides to use hands to push the muscles cuz that feels awesome. X loses some business and B starts doing well and makes millions. You see where I’m going with this? Each one is pretty related. Who knows…maybe B just wanted X’s apple pie recipe and X told him to fuck off? At any rate, all this stuff is related and it all seems to be good for you.

On the plus side, i’ve been feeling great. I don’t know why. I’ve been doing pretty well after doing the Reiki course. Did I tell you guys that I’m Reiki certified yet? Hellz to the yeaz. I can heal your ass…and other things. I feel calmer. Some days I do feel like i’m being run over by cats but on the whole, I’ve been good. This might have more to do with then summer holiday but I remain optimistic. I survived my better halfs 3 week trip to India. The kids had the stomach flu, i had the stomach flu and everything basically went bat shit crazy.

My new mantra?….I’m just going with it. Just go with the flow. I’m in the riptide and I’m riding it out.

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Murphy’s Law and Other Nonsense

why-god-whyYou might have noticed a bit of a break in the writing. This is kind of the first moment I’ve had to sit down and actually write something. My better half has been on a work trip for the past 2 weeks. He’ll be back in another week for a grand total of 3 weeks away. Of course all the crap hits the fan the moment he leaves. Isn’t that Murphy’s law or something?

It was the last week of school, so I’ve been shuttling kids to and from school. I’ve had my own things going on and really long days at work that usually don’t happen. Then to top it off so far, my son got some stomach flu with high fever. Try and picture it, 9 year old boy whining at the top of his lungs because he feels so bad, then having stuff coming out of both ends simultaneously. The rug still needs washing. The poor thing got a major dose of sick all over it. Then a couple of days later, the daughter gets sick and now me. These last two weeks have not been the high point of my existence BUT I’m surviving! I’ve not had any panic attacks (shocking actually) and I’ve not beheaded anyone (also another shocker).

On a positive note I had my Reiki attunement last Tuesday. That was one of “my own things”. It was a really moving experience really. I didn’t expect to feel anything. As I sat in the chair with my eyes closed, I had waves of hot and cold move up my back, then heat up my neck. I saw colours and images in my minds eye. Towards the end, I started to shake and then cry. The tears just sort of came out of nowhere. After the attunement, I was really out of it. I didn’t feel like talking. I was tired and kind of empty feeling. It was odd. I tried to watch “Suicide Squad” but I just couldn’t finish watching it. One because it was a terrible movie and two because I just couldn’t concentrate. I went to bed and slept like the dead. From the moment the attunement took place, my hands and feet have been hot and kind of buzzing. Rather than doing all yoga, I’ve been doing Reiki healing sessions on myself each night. I’ve slept deeply and dreamed. My body has been a bit off kilter but they say that after an attunement, your body tries to clear itself of toxins in the body (emotional and physical). I’ve had a headache since the attunement. I think i’m not drinking enough water. These side effects may go on for 21 days after the attunement. I’ve done some healing on my daughter. After the first healing she got a fever and felt terrible. I don’t know if this is the flu she caught from her brother or the reiki energy helping her body fight. For those that don’t know, my daughter has been suffering from a stomach illness for the past 6 months and the doctors are stumped as to what it is. She was one of the reasons I decided to try Reiki.

The neighbours dog let me pick it up the other day and stayed in my lap for a really long time. The neighbour was surprised as the dog doesn’t usually want to be in anyones lap and if the dog is in the lap, it’s never for very long. I blame reiki. They say animals love Reiki energy. Even as I’m typing this, my hands are hot and glowing. It’s an interesting sensation.

As for what I’ve been doing for the past almost 2 weeks, a mixture of Yoga Nidra, meditation and Reiki self healing. It’s been an interesting 2 weeks. If I survive this 3rd week, I’ll celebrate. Not sure how I’ll celebrate but I’ll figure it out. This week should also have long long work days, up to 9pm in some cases. Thank goodness for grandparents. I’m so grateful that they live so close and are happy to take the kids for a few days. For now, I’m just trying to get through things one day at a time and realising that perhaps, I’m stronger than I thought.

Moving Forward

Sometimes I feel like I have moments of major clarity. Everything makes perfect sense and I’m at one with the universe. Other times, I stumble around with my coffee (mostly mornings) and I put my laundry in the oven by mistake. Sometimes, it feels like life is moving me forward. The universe is placing things in my path to discover. This is one of those times. I feel like I’m on the verge of an epiphany where the world will open up for me.

whats-normal1Will it actually happen? Good lord….who knows but the feeling is fantastic. Here’s why I think the universe is planning awesome stuff for me. I’ve met 2 people that I would call close friends. People I just click with. People I can sit and just be quiet with or be gross with. Do you have any idea how rare that is for me? I’ve been living in my current location for over 20 years. In those 20 years, I’ve met a total of 4 people like that. The first was nearly 20 years ago. The next one I met just 3 years ago but she moved to another city. Then I met these next two within the space of a couple of months. How weird is it to make connection like that?

The universe is pushing me to learn Reiki. I keep seeing articles, movies, hearing about it so I finally went to take lessons. Very cool. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes. The next lesson is on the 6th of June. I’ll get the reiki attunement. I’ve heard that the body reacts physically to the process and the side effects last a week or two. Can you imagine? Then I’m also hearing about projects and ideas coming my way. New projects where people want my expertise. It’s fantastic! Maybe my life is going to take an unexpected and awesome departure from the norm. I’m very excited about what the universe is bringing my way.

There’s been plenty of drama at work. People leaving (its a very good thing) and tons of work. The husband is in a long business trip far far away. That also brings it own challenges. The kids always seem to act up when daddy is away. I think they enjoy seeing how long it will take before the vein on my temple starts to throb. So, long story short, life is interesting, exciting and a bit stressful. I’ve been doing well though. Only had 1 half of a beta blocker last week so I consider that a win.

I’m almost at the 6 month mark in my challenge. It’s hard to believe I started this blog 5 months ago! At this point, I’m starting to have motivation issues. The goal was to do more yoga than just Nidra but when I’m stressed, it sometimes feels like I can’t deal with much more. Or, I’m so busy taking care of the family or building that I’m too tired to do some sweaty type yoga. I fall into bed and meditate and/or Nidra. I’m not sure how to motivate myself. Sure I’d like to have more flexible and stronger muscles but I just can’t seem to drag my butt to do it. Its usually 10pm when the kids are in bed and I use that time to catch up on dishes and then pass out. Excuses, excuses…I know. Perhaps I’ll get over my slump. I should do more Yin yoga. That would be SO good for me and I know it.

  • Sunday: Yoga Nidra with Rishin. Nice change from Craig. I do get bored of listening to the same teacher each time.
  • Monday: Drop into Stillness
  • Tuesday: Yoga Nidra
  • Wednesday:Yoga nidra
  • Thursday: No yoga…fell asleep from exhaustion
  • Friday: Yoga Nidra
  • Saturday: Drop into stillness

In the immortal words of Dori the fish….”just keep swimming, just keep swimming”.

Weirdness Upon Weirdness

Ok…so I started the Reiki course today. I don’t know what I expected but it wasn’t what I expected. We spent 3 hours talking. We talked about all manner of things, not just Reiki.  It was completely and utterly freeing. I feel like I let go of so many things. I got a confirmation of a lot of things…that I’m not the only one experiencing stuff. I actually teared up in the end. Tomorrow is the activation. I can hardly wait. I’m excited to see what comes out of it. If nothing else, the whole experience is sure to be cathartic. If I can learn to let some stuff go, it’s already a win win situation. The other people in the group are just lovely. We all ended up there for different reasons but wow. The teacher said that we give and pull a lot of energy. I am inclined to believe her. It was a very amazing experience.

One thing that really stayed with me was her description of energy. She talked about giving energy in Reiki. In Qigong, the person builds up lots of energy and then uses it to heal others for instance but in doing so, they release the energy, giving it all away. In Reiki, the energy is exchanged rather than just given. It was her metaphor that caught my attention. “Using energy is like breathing. You cannot just breathe out. You must also breathe in.” I really took that to heart. When we give too much in life…we are also just breathing out. At some point, we have to take a breath. Interesting stuff right?

The teacher said we’d probably have some crazy dreams tonight and that we should drink lots of water. I’ll keep you posted.

The weeks yoga:

  • Sunday: Drop into Stillness
  • Monday: Vinyasa Foundations
  • Tuesday: Yoga Nidra
  • Wednesday: Yoga Nidra
  • Thursday: Yoga Nidra
  • Friday: Yoga Nidra
  • Saturday: Yoga Nidra

I feel like my brain is on temporary holiday. I have no tidbits of wisdom or deep thoughts today. I think I used them all during the Reiki class. I cannot wait to tell you how the rest of it goes! If I get another tool to help me balance out my body and deal with stress, it will be worth every penny.

Bauhaus Blowouts

It’s mothers day weekend and that brings up all sorts of stuff. How do we value ourselves as mothers and women? How do we value other women? In some ways, mother’s day can also be cruel to all women who desperately want children and aren’t able to have them. Mostly, this mother’s day made me evaluate how much I love and appreciate myself. I know, that’s terribly selfish but we live in a world where mothers (and women in general) are expected to give completely, selflessly and often at the expense of our health. Most of us moms work really hard! We work all day (whether or not we’re a stay at home mom or not). Make no mistake, being a stay at home mom is the hardest job there is. I salute all of you moms that stay home with your kids. You are totally amazeballs. I, honestly, don’t have the strength to do it. If we have a day job, we come home and we work some more. While most husbands (not all mind you) sit down and rest after a long day at work, women start dinner, cleaning, laundry, etc.

wife-8Life is easier for us now than it was way back when. I can understand why so many women in the 50’s were medicated, drank and smoked. You know the lady in the picture on the right was probably on uppers. Their hair had to be perfect, the kids clean, the house spotless and dinner ready when hubby came home. Good grief. Luckily my husband values me for more than just my cooking and ability to keep the house clean. It’s a good thing too cuz damn…..fish sticks and french fries and my house is exploded.

For mothers day weekend, we took a road trip to Tampere. It’s only 2 hours away so we jumped in the car and drove. Dear hubby reserved a lovely hotel room for the family and we had a great evening and a lovely breakfast. Then we headed to Bauhaus. For those that aren’t familiar with the chain, its a huge hardware store. They don’t happen to have it in the town I’m living in so we decided to go there and check out some stuff. Unfortunately, my nerves didn’t like it and I had a very near panic attack. I find weekends are SO very important for me. I need that time to rest and reset myself. Going to Tampere, no matter how fun, was a stressful thing my body didn’t want to deal with. I basically sat for an hour in the light/lamp section while the family checked out all the cool odds and ends. My daughter wasn’t feeling great either so really, we hung out there comparing light fixtures and choosing our favourites. Result! That’s quality time right there. Long story short, we jumped in the car, went back home and Mama took a beta blocker. It has to be said that I really appreciate my family and their patience especially my husband. What a wonderful man he is =).

It’s been touch and go these past few weeks with my old friend stress. I’ve been very on edge. Yoga, meditation and medication all needed. When in doubt, I take long deep breaths and remember that this shit is temporary.

This past week’s Yogaia.com sessions:

  • Sunday: Yoga nidra
  • Monday: Yoga nidra
  • Tuesday: Drop into Stillness
  • Wednesday: Yoga nidra
  • Thursday: Yoga nidra
  • Friday: Yoga nidra
  • Saturday: Create Space in The Body

Ohm……Ohm……this shit is temporary…..ohm….ohm…..ohm….f#%#%”Ck

Endings and Beginnings

It’s my last bass lesson tomorrow. I’m so sad. I learned so much from my teacher. He taught me how to do walking bass for jazz. Tonight I learned how to play the slap bass riff from the song “Higher Ground” (RHCP). I wouldn’t have been able to do that without the guidance of my teacher. I’m so stoked to have learned to so much and at the same time I’m so sad that I have to give up my most amazing bass teacher. If you ever want to take bass lessons in Jyväskylä, I can totally recommend Mr. Jere Lehto. He’s got an amazing band as well. If you like progressive music, you’ll love his stuff. Here’s a link:

You’re welcome.

They say that all good things must end. Thankfully there are plenty of beginnings as well! One things leads to another. One door closes and another opens right? I think it’s so important to learn. I have always believed in the phrase, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” That’s certainly been true for me.

Speaking of new beginnings, I’ll be starting Reiki classes in a couple of weeks. I don’t know how much I really think I’ll learn or be able to do but why the hell not? It’ll be fun to learn something new. Reiki, if you haven’t heard of it, is healing with the hands using an exchange of energy. I know, I know. Sounds terribly hokey doesn’t it? But what if it’s not and its totally amazing!!?? I gotta find out and I will in a couple of weeks. You can bet I’ll be blogging about it.

My stress levels have been all over the place this past week. My better half is off to India for 2 weeks and I’m here with the kids. We’re all feeling the pre-departure jitters and the kids are a bit off kilter. I’m sure we’ll get through it. I just hope my sanity survives. Extra rounds of Yoga anyone? So far, no need for pills this past week. I did take a Rose Root though. I still take that from time to time when I need it. I try to spare the prescription stuff as much as I can.

Last weeks practices were:

  • Sunday: Drop into stillness
  • Monday: Yoga Nidra
  • Tuesday: Create space in the mind… and Morning Stretch
  • Wednesday: Drop into stillness
  • Thursday: Drop into stillness
  • Friday: Yoga Nidra
  • Saturday: Drop into stillness

I tried a few different things. I really like Drop into stillness. Peter Cherry has these wonderful meditation sessions that are extremely relaxing. I especially like them because I can choose the position I want to be in. I can either sit up or lie down. Check out his sessions if you haven’t already.

My advice this week…be open and be ready. Though something might be ending, that new wonderful thing is just around the corner. Each experience you have now is a getting you ready to do great things later on. Keep on keeping on.

The Drugs Work! Hurray!

Lemme bring you up to speed just in case you didn’t read last weeks blog. I’d made up my mind to make a doctors appointment to see about medication to help with my anxiety. Here is it a week later and YES, I had a wonderful doctor who actually listened to me! Can you frickin’ believe it?! I had 20 minutes to state my case and the lovely doctor lady said, “Well…why don’t we try this pill….and this other pill too just for good measure. You try these out and see how they work for you.” Oh, my flipping G*d. I was so happy when I walked out of there with a prescription for, not one, but TWO different pills.

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I have a safety net! Yeah!

I’m not usually one for medication and I try my darnedest to stay off medication but I here’s the thing that makes me happy about the pills I got. I don’t need to take them every day. I only take them if I need them. One set of pills are beta-blockers. They should help calm me down if I feel like a panic attack is coming. I only need half a pill when I feel one coming on. I don’t need to take it every day, just when I’m feeling overwhelmed. The second pill is heavier stuff. I should take a half-pill only if I actually have a panic attack. Since my last two panic attacks were 4 months apart, I think my pills will last me a good long time.

Imagine, one little half of a pill will make it so I don’t have to lie in bed feeling like I’m dying until the panic attack goes through it’s paces. Can you imagine??? So now I have pills for when I feel anxious or am having a panic attack. Just having them in my purse helps relieve my stress immensely. I now have a safety net and I don’t have to live in fear of what my body is going to do from one day to the next. I’ve been happier this week than I’ve been in ages. I’ve not worried so much about how my body is going to react because I now have a safety net. I guess after 9 years of managing my stress, panic attacks and all that it entails, I’m entitled to a little peace of mind don’t ya think?

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Late night bass practice. Yes I was tired.

I’m still doing yoga/meditation every day and I’m practicing my bass as well. It’s incredibly meditative to play music (or something like music, I’m not that good yet). I even signed up for Reiki lessons! Yes, I did. All you nay sayers can just keep your opinions to yourself. I think it’ll be fun to try something new. Besides, if I can find another way to balance my body, why wouldn’t I want to learn it?

I hope you all won’t be disappointed in me for getting medication….wait, what the hell am I saying? Sorry not sorry. *grin* .

So here’s the line up this week in Yogaia.com.

  • Sunday: Create Space in the Body… (great stretching! It actually made me sore!)
  • Monday: Drop Into Stillness (great little meditation. I recommend it highly. I also did Yoga Nidra afterwards.
  • Tuesday: Yin (it was an hour but it was worth it) Nice and slow long stretches to release tension
  • Wednesday: Drop into Stillness (I really dig these 15 minute meditations. They can be done lying down as well as sitting).
  • Thursday: Yoga Nidra (I did it on my own without Yogaia. My iPad was outta zip, boo!)
  • Friday: Yoga Nidra
  • Saturday: Yoga Nidra

Life is good peeps. Honestly so happy. I finally feel like things are on the up and up. I want to thank my good friend Maarit (you know who you are) who has helped me over the years. She was the one that finally made me see that I don’t have to live in fear and that it’s ok to get help. Maarit my love, I’m clinking imaginary champagne in a toast to you. Until next week, keep on keeping on.

P.S. – Sorry about the late post. It’s a 3-day weekend and I’d totally forgotten about it on Sunday. Yup…totally busted.